Monday, August 27, 2012

Dark Knight Rises: A Film Review...Not Really

BH and I had date night last week (Thank You Mom!), so we decided to cash in our free tickets and go see the latest Batman movie.  What follows is the internal dialog of Yours Truly as I sat through this movie.

  • Wow, the masked guy's voice-over is pretty bad.
  • He sounds like Jean-Luc Picard doing Shakespeare.
  • I still can't understand a thing that guy in the mask is saying.  Is this what age-related hearing loss is like?
  • His name is Bane?  As in Cad Bane?
Wrong Bane.

  • I the only one who noticed that a solitary man just walked into the movie and sat down in front of us?  He's alone, the movie started a while ago, and I'm a little uncomfortable now.
  • If that guy pulls out a gun and starts shooting, what's my survival strategy? 
  • 3rd Rock from the Sun?  Yes, that's it.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt

  • Batman is a mouth-breather; must be because of that mask covering his nose.
  • Has Christian Bale always had that mole by his eye?  It has GOT to be in his line of sight.
Just look past it.

  • What's that guy doing now?  Was he wearing anything that might conceal a weapon?  I don't think so.
  • Hey, the mayor is that guy with the eyebrows!  Wasn't he on Suddenly Susan?
Yes he was.

  • This movie is too loud.
  • So.  Much.  Violence.
  • Batman purses his lips a lot; the mask DOES limit his facial expression repertoire...
  • Is that her girlfriend?
  • Bruce Wayne is surprisingly fit for an invalid.
  • Anne Hathaway is a bombshell?  I don't see it.
  • She does have an amazing figure, though, I'll give her that.
  • Alfred has big teeth, just like me.
Afred's teeth.
My teeth.

  • Is that a cockney accent?
  • I'm getting a little bored.
  • I think the guy is clean.  Just came to the movie alone.
  • 3000 cops trapped underground with no bathroom.
  • What should we have for dinner?
Smash Burger

  • I'm ready for this movie to be done.
  • Well THAT was a cliche plot twist.
  • We should've watched Total Recall instead.

About the last comment.  Not that I was expecting Total Recall to be a better film than Dark Knight.  My expectations just would've been lower.  Much, much lower.


Henri B. said...

The good people at Cracked thought a lot of those same things:

And I'm pretty positive that Anne Hathaway used a CGI leg. I don't think woman parts in leather move that way.

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms said...

That movie was so loud and violent, I'm surprised you could hear the voices in your head. :) And you know what? I found myself getting bored too. Too much violence. Ellen #findingthefunny

Kate said...

This is pretty funny. The guy sitting down in front of you would have creeped me out too. Who goes to the movies alone? Okay, my sister used to and she said she really enjoyed it, but besides her??? Apparently, that guy does. Stopping by from My Life with Kids.

NumberWhisperer said...

Henri, my favorite part of the cracked piece was the constant Bane impersonation.

Sister, I wonder how many people hear us say, "too violent" and just think we're too old? lol

Kate, and to Batman, of all places! That guy should've known he was going to look suspicious.