Friday, September 7, 2012

Arachno-Urinal Phobia

Question:  Have you ever had an irrational fear of spiders creeping up out of the toilet and biting you where the sun don't shine?  Come on, there has to be at least one of you out there.

Well, I, for one, have had such irrational thoughts.  Stemming from a childhood full of dead spiders in the toilet, my inborn fear of spiders was fueled by the sight of them staring up at me from their watery graves.  As a kid, I would imagine that these spiders were faking their deaths, only to exact vengeance on us at our most vulnerable moment.  To this day, if I am greeted with a squished spider floating legs up in the toilet, my first instinct is to flush that sucker away.

But I'm a grown up now, I realize that spiders are our friends, they provide a valuable service, and they are not out to get us.

Or so I had convinced myself until I found this hiding in the toilet last night.

Gasp.  That toilet is DISGUSTING.

 True Story.  Here's how it goes:

Right around bed time, P walks up to me and says, "Oh Mom, I forgot to tell you there's a spider in the toilet, and it won't flush, so I'm not using that bathroom anymore until you get rid of it."

No big deal, I think.  I can keep flushing longer than that spider can hold its breath.  So we head upstairs, and P proceeds to show me this:

A spider.  Hiding under the toilet seat.

How he managed to spot this spider in the first place is something I don't want to contemplate.

Truly, this picture does not do it justice.  The SPIDER was RED and BIG...a combination I find very unsettling in a toilet.  Tucked just under the rim, this guy was lurking in very close striking distance to a number of valuable body parts.  I tried to take a better picture, but my camera just wasn't feeling it that day.  All I succeeded in doing was snapping a gag-inducing image of our toilet.

Is that yellow I see?  I'm so embarrassed.

I can't express to you enough the horror and dismay I felt at discovering that my childhood and lifelong fear was, in fact, coming true.

But now was not the time to cower in fear.  P came to ME to get rid of it.  What kind of protector would I be if I, too, decided to throw up my hands in defeat and simply stop using that bathroom?  So, armed with an empty toilet roll, I attempted to swat at the spider while P watched and gave words of encouragement.

After Mr. Spider laughed his little spider laugh at my toilet roll, I upgraded my weapon to a birthday card envelope.  I was met with moderate success, but had to stop, after losing my grip on the envelope and accidentally plugging the toilet. 

After much consideration (and some vigorous plunging), I got out the toilet scrubber, applied some good old elbow grease, and gained the upper hand.  That's when things got scary.  Mr. Spider Put. Up. A. Fight.  Like, the kind of fight that gives you bad dreams.  I mean, this spider brought out the big guns:  scrambling, hiding, playing dead, the whole nine yards.

But it was the webs that creeped me out the most.  Mr. Spider started shooting like he was Peter Parker fighting off Lizard Man (wait, that makes me Lizard Man).  At one point, I thought he was going to web me, reverse repel, and perform a counter-attack all over my scared self.  However, being the larger and marginally more intelligent creature of the two, I prevailed, and Mr. Spider was ultimately flushed down the toilet. 

VICTOIRE!!!

So, after facing my fear, am I feeling liberated, strong, and fearless?  Heck no.  Do you remember the part about a big, red spider lurking in the toilet rim? 

A spider who fought back and has provided me with a healthy dose of nightmare material for years to come?

A spider who probably left behind thousands of relatives who are, right at this very moment, seeking to avenge his death?

I'm afraid.  You should be afraid.  We should all be afraid.

Still not afraid?  Well then feast your eyes on this:





2 comments:

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

I shit you not, I have this SAME EXACT FEAR.

CASE IN POINT 1: Last week there was a dead spider in the toilet. I hesitated for several seconds before sitting down, estimating the likelihood of it being able to climb up my pee and bite my butt.

CASE IN POINT 2: The other day, I was sitting on the toilet, wondering if it was going to be a short or long visit. After catching the reflection of something big and black on the wall behind me in the mirror, I decided it was going to be a short visit and got the fuck out of there.

Number Whisperer said...

thanks for that visual of the spider climbing up your pee.